24 Oct Depression
You should probably stop reading right here because I can feel from the start that this is not going to be a rational post.
It’s about depression. And depression is a lot of things, but rational is not one of them. And that’s why it’s so bewildering and maddening.
Depression is often described as a looming heaviness. For me that is true. But it’s more than heavy. Sometimes I feel light. Depression doesn’t always keep someone in bed, afraid to face the day. Depression doesn’t always manifest itself through tears.
I rarely cry. In fact, I long for a good cry sometimes. When I worship God, I want to cry. When my children hurt, I want to cry. When I am having a bad day, I want to cry. I am sure I hold it in because I’m afraid once I start, I won’t stop.
But depression drips down through all parts of me. It fills me up and the tears that won’t come out give me clouded, blurry vision.
Depression manifests itself as confusion and the inability to pinpoint and organize thoughts and emotions. I am guessing we all struggle with that to some extent. But with depression (for me anyway) it consumes so much energy that the rest of life is a chore.
And then with the feeling that life is a chore, when my current reality is pretty fabulous, comes overwhelming guilt. How dare I not celebrate my charmed life? How dare I not appreciate my blessings? But I do.
Don’t misunderstand me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my life. I can’t stand how great my life is sometimes.
Some will say that I should count my blessings. Pray more. That I should have more faith in God’s love for me. More security in Him. That I should let God fill up all the emptiness in me, that He should be the answer to all my questions.
That’s just it. I am incredibly in love with God. The intricate story of Jesus Christ is beautiful and inspiring and strengthening. I fall on Him a lot. He is a part of me and HE UNDERSTANDS. In fact, He is the ONLY ONE who can get inside my head and sort things out for me. So there is no lack of faith causing or continuing my depression. My faith is great.
Depression is along for the ride. Sometimes on my journey, I barely notice it. But like a creaky knee or chronic back pain, occasionally it will rear up and become an obstacle.
No tidy final thought here. Just wanted to be honest and maybe get some things out there in case anyone else deals with this monster. You’re not alone.