pain Archives - JJ Landis
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living for real, pain, past, real life / 18.04.2016

  Unloved. Useless. These words are buried deep.   The seeds were sprinkled by adults when my heart was fertile. But it was me who cultivated. I watered and tended. What grew was unlovely, useless fruit.   I was given talents. I was gifted. I hid them underground. I covered it all. They grew despite my efforts to conceal. But talents and gifts were influenced and manipulated by those two words: Unloved. Useless. Established roots held this life in place.   Fruit can be deceptive with its color and texture and sheen. Its fragrance. The praise after a taste, I reject. I doubt. It’s never enough. As others sample my pain, my life, my growth, are they deceived or am I?   The dominating roots...

beauty, blessings, courage, crying, disappointment, fear, grace, kids, living for real, love, pain, parenting, perspective, prayer, real life / 06.01.2016

When friends struggle, it's common to say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you." We say that when we don't know what to do or say. I added to that recently, "Do you want me to come over? I can." She said yes and gave me a priceless gift and many lessons.     Thank you, my friend, for letting me walk this journey with you. Thank you for saying yes when I asked if you needed anything. You let me in to see your devastation. You welcomed my presence, even...

anxiety, balanced life, bible, christmas, crying, death, depression, fear, freedom, God's light, life is good, living for real, pain, perspective, real life, suicide / 16.12.2015

  I had a tough day recently. I was tired and gloomy. I vacillated between anxiety over responsibilities and sadness over the passing of time and how futile it is to try to stop the clock. I wanted to crawl in bed and hide. I wanted to cry. I wanted to take a mental health day and escape life.   Having a personal history of depression and anxiety and a family history of suicide, I was determined to keep a straight head. I couldn’t wallow. I couldn’t let myself break...

fear, God's light, golden rule, judgment, living for real, love, make a difference, pain, real life, sin / 01.12.2015

  I’m embarrassed to be in the same camp as people who take drastic measures in the name of Christ. I view the world as a mash of colors and swirls and lots of grays; and though I want to so badly see sharp corners and stark differences and clear blacks and whites, I repeatedly fail in those efforts.   What do we in the Church fear? Why are we afraid of people who think differently than we do? Why do we respond with dogmatism and draw precise lines between wrong...

adolescence, beauty, coffee, contentment, crying, death, depression, kids, living for real, pain, suicide / 11.11.2015

  Woke up this morning to the obnoxious bell tower tone from the alarm on my phone. Before falling asleep, I had tossed the phone to the other side of the room so there was no chance of snoozing when the alarm sounded at 4:45. I needed to be completely upright because a friend was on her way over for a walk.   As I shook the fuzz out of my head and shuffled toward the coffee, I seriously questioned my decision to stay up so late turning pages of a...